All By Myself

Hubby is now in the Netherlands attending a 5-week course, while yours truly is home-sitting again.
June is going to be a very busy month at work, so at least I will have plenty to do for most of the days, and maybe weekends. Meanwhile, I suppose I can fill the quiet weekends reading and doing little bits of home stuff e.g. like throwing out 2-year old goodness-knows-what from the fridge. Sounds like a splendid idea. And the two dogs will always enjoy a few cuddles from time to time :)

Counting down the days till my mom and dad arrive in Miri to keep me company later this month....

Paris or Prague ?....

Neither. Hubby's training is now postponed to June (he will be leaving in 3 weeks) and in the end we decided to just cancel the whole trip. No particular reason. We both got caught up with work and various other things that it turned out better to just stay at home and enjoy each other's company instead. In all honesty, I was more excited about having him at home in February till June rather than me being alone that month (I was still emotionally recovering from the miscarriage and Grandma's passing then).

From that, I realized that what matters most is being together. Whether it is in Paris, Prague or just Miri. :)

The Little Things

I came across these few short clips on the importance of family while watching a movie in Singapore and thought that this is well worth sharing...it made me cry in the cinema.

Remembering Grandma and Our Heritage

During a recent trip to Singapore to visit my brother and sis in law over the Wesak long weekend, my brother passed a collection of DVDs to me of a series called The Little Nyonya. He said that I have to watch it, it will make me realize what I am and what I should be.
It is a local production by Mediacorp TV Singapore on the story of a Peranakan family. Since it is almost unheard of for my brother to actually sit through 34 episodes of chinese drama, I was curious to find out why.
The amount of research on the Baba and Nyonya culture that went into the making of the series was truly remarkable. After sitting through the first episode of the series, I could understand why my brother insisted I watch this. It reminded him so much of our upbringing at home, of our maternal Peranakan side. The daily lives depicted in the series were so real, so familiar. I could not help but feel a slight tightening of the chest, trying to stop the sudden onslaught of emotion.
My brother said, we take who we are so much for granted. We do not realize all the painstaking years Ah Mah and Mom spent trying to bring us up as good Peranakan children. Now, one might wonder, how does that differ from our peers?

I used to feel that I was treated unfairly at home. Why? Because as a child, I was not allowed this, and that. Especially Ah Mah, she would knock my head and tell me;

I must not walk with giant steps
I must not stamp my feet - we lived in a wooden house; when I am walking upstairs I must not make a single sound with my feet
I must not speak too loud
I must never yell
I must never be rude, always be polite and always address the elders correctly - Ee Por, Ah Kor, Ah Chim.... I truly did not understand what all the difference were
I must not ever sit with my legs apart, up on the chair nor crossed my legs on the floor. I must always sit with both legs to one side
I must close doors and not make a single sound. Slamming the door (either by purpose or by accident) will earn me a painful 'cubit' (painful pinch)
I must not hit the wok or any pots/pans with a spoon or any utensil and make a loud clanking noise. It is not ladylike
I must not chew with my mouth opened nor speak with food in my mouth
I must not ever talk back to my elders nor ever raise my voice to them. My parents are considered always right no matter what happens

So I went to school and I saw how other children could run and play and scream their hearts out. Mom and Ah Mah would tell me, it was not lady-like. The good girl in me then would not retaliate or disagree. But the rebel in me looked at things differently and I favored my brother's toys and playing with his friends instead. That was the only way I could 'do things the way I like'.

At last, we grew up, Ah Mah and Mom , did not need to constantly nag at us no more. All the years of rules stuck in my head. It now aggravates me when a door is slammed, or someone chews noisily or I hear a utensil being hit loudly against the wok to remove food that is stuck to its surface. It absolutely isn't acceptable at all when someone noisily moves things around in the kitchen - plates, containers.....
My brother, on the other hand, is probably the most loving of all sons. I am so proud of how he would, without further thought, rush to the family's aid in all situations. Like myself, he is also extremely close to our parents and Ah Mah.
I truly am enjoying watching the Nyonya series. It brings back so many memories, good and bad. It makes me feel a tad guilty for all the good Nyonya recipes that mom had taught me, but I rarely replicate. Sitting next to Hubby watching the show, and him seeing my culture for what it truly is for the first time (he's not Peranakan), I realize just how much I take it for granted.

Well, I think I am going to try my best, again, to be the good Nyonya daughter and grand-daughter that mom and Ah Mah had wanted me to be.

Our family home in Alor Setar, where we grew up
Ceramic water container with dragon motifs; little treasures from our ancestors

Ah Mah and one of our Kor Por

Ah Mah, in her fine Nyonya kebaya and sarung. It was the only outfit she wore daily from as long as I could remember. While the designs were simpler and more plain while at home, she wore exquisite embroidered kebayas when on outings, complete with hair in a perfect chignon and pins.

Random Bits of Info

1. I have Siamese blood from Grandpa and very proud of it
2. My mom used to be EXTREMELY strict with me as a child (think caning and slapping and pinching) but I think I am a better person because of that
3. I wished I had a sister
4. I have no idea how my parents met or when they got married.
5. I am secretly pleased I have dimples (and hope my children will get them too!)
6. I LOOOVVVVVVVVVVEEE eating carbs - potatoes in particular. How the heck will I be able to stay trim when my metabolism goes downhill ???!
7. I like collecting mugs - for no particular reason
8. Untidiness drives me nuts
9. I still miss my late Grandma. I regret not hugging her during my wedding :(
10. I hate the way my hair grows out of shape within days after a trim
11. I wonder why I have hair like barb wire when mom has such a fine silky mane
12. I have such a wild imagination - I wonder if I am normal
13. I had 4 volumes of personal journals written in coded language when I was 12 ( I have no idea how to read them now )
14. I am unable to sleep with my toes exposed
15. I like small stuffy spaces
16. I shamefully cannot drive a manual car anymore since I got my automatic vehicle
17. I am afraid of my parents aging and I do not know how to live without them
18. I am missing a tooth from my upper right gum
19. I am sometimes terrified that I do not have a career path in my mind!
20. I wish hubby would fold my laundry for me because I hate doing that

...to be continued...

Lovey Dovey Yummy Valentine

I spent almost all of today working at home. What an uninspiring way to spend Valentine's Day.
But then, past 5pm, hubby and I took a nice evening walk, hand-in-hand, and shared a nice word or two with neighbours who were also taking evening walks along our street. After that, I settled down to wait for our Valentine's dinner. Because.... tonight, I wasn't the one cooking. Instead, hubby whipped up a mouth watering delicious meal of rosemary and garlic seasoned pork chops served with a fresh salad. My hubby... cooking ! That deserved a publication in BOLD.

I think we had a nice cozy Valentine's today (despite the fact I had to write a risk assessment report ! ^%$#%^^%$). Alright now, I want to go put my feet up and enjoy what is left of my Saturday with wonderful hubby. :)

Happy Valentine's Day people! MUAH !

A New Year Ahead

I over-reacted a few days ago. Things are back to normal and I am utterly glad. I even spent new year's eve in a bar with my brother and hubby, and had to drive them two half-drunken men back via the back roads just in case the law enforcers decided to do a road block that night. And oh, did I forget to mention I woke up on January 1st with a slight hang-over? We had THAT much fun....
I have some things to look forward to this new year and I hope it brings good things to my family and myself.
I should get on to having a list of things I would like to achieve in 2009 and beyond, shouldn't I?

TO ALL FAMILY AND FRIENDS WE WISH YOU A VERY MERRY XMAS !

Fabian & Li Quen

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year..

Mom and dad arrived last Thursday in Miri to spend the end of the year with us. Next week, on Christmas eve, my brother and sis-in-law will be arriving from Singapore, and that would mean my whole family will be together again. Having everyone together, makes it a most wonderful occasion. :)
We have already planned for home cooked meals and fun activities. I am totally looking forward to it!

My (Odd but..) Lovely Christmas Present

Christmas came early for me this year. While shopping for our couch (yes, it took us two years to finally buy a couch for the living room...), I was suddenly engrossed in a lazy chair that was hidden in a dusty corner of the shop. This was a shop that makes and sells furniture from rattan. Hubby saw the glitter in my eyes, and told Jennifer the shop owner, to include that in our purchase as well. He said "Merry Christmas my dear. Here's something for your endless lazy afternoon readings and hopefully somewhere to cradle our child in next time".

*Grins*

Back Together... SOON!

Hubby is again offshore, but this is his last trip out. He's due back this coming Thursday and I am looking forward to it :). We can have a more normal day-to-day life at last. I am so tired of being alone at home.

The Things That Matter

Almost everyone in the family returned home to Penang for Grandma's funeral and prayers. It was the rare occasion when everyone was in one place - having meals together, going places together - just being together. Now that the children are working elsewhere, we rarely ever meet. Aunties and uncles spend more time with their own expanding family. Mom and dad with us.
I missed those times of being together as one big family. It was almost festive-like last week. Even though the main reason was for a funeral, it was the one thing that brought us all back together. In a way, Grandma had always been the one reason everyone got together. We spoke of all the old days, living in the big kampung house in Alor Setar, of Chinese New Year eves together (we rarely do that nowadays with the family scattered all over the place), 'pai thnee kong' (prayer at midnight on the 8th day of the lunar New Year by Hokkien folks) nights when the kids got to stay up late, yummy dishes Grandma used to cook, the graffitti us kids drew on the walls of the old house and the never ending line of dogs we used to have... those are precious memories.
The kids are all grown up now and earning good lives away from home. But it is not the ability to jetset or buy that latest ridiculous gadget or that new dress that is in season that will give us eternal joy.
The things that really matter are usually free but priceless - and my family is on top of that list.

In Loving Memory of Our Beloved Grandmother

My beloved grandmother (mommy's mother) passed away last Friday. It is such a devastating loss to all of us. Ah Mah had been the centre of all our lives for as long as I could remember. We are still grieving the loss, but hold the memory of her dearly within our hearts. I always consider myself the most fortunate of all grand-daughters to be able to have grown up in the shelter of her abundant love and affection. She was the most generous and kind person, and touched the lives of many many people beyond our own family members.
I will always miss my Ah Mah, and pray that she is now happier and even more blessed.

Making the Change

I have been thinking of asking my boss for a change of in my duties at work for some time now. I have been doing this traveling job for 5 years now and it's been on my mind for a while that I would like to take a break from it for a while to give time for other priorities, namely to start a family and spend more time at home with hubby while he is onshore. But I never did work up enough guts to walk up to the boss to discuss this. In addition to that, pride got in the way. I could never bring myself to put work aside, and admit I cannot be the superwoman who can do it all.

After two weeks of deep thought following the incident, it just hit me. There is no reason to be embarrassed of wanting to put personal reasons ahead of a career. My thoughts are suddenly clear of what I want and how I would like to see my near future commitments to be. If nothing else, at least I broke free of my previous confines of feminist pride.

It's a Life Changing Experience

The loss of an unborn child changes a person. Even though ours was barely 5 weeks old, she was still a person-to-be and is special to us. I would like it to be a 'she' - for all things unknown are always assigned a feminine gender, and it would've been nice to have a girl. Fabian would have loved a girl.

Throughout the two weeks medical leave, I did nothing much but think. Think and think. I had emotional strength to do nothing else. But one thing for sure, this somehow changed the way I had been before. Things that were important are now no longer of value. Priorities shifted. If it is even possible, the love and respect for my husband grew even stronger. I wanted only Fabian to be with me and help me out of my depression.

I used to worry about work, about the review cycles that might make me look bad.... I don't really care now. And suddenly I have a plan of my career for the next few years. Not for glory, but making sure other important things can take priority.

Yes, sometimes it takes a brief tragedy to change a person's outlook on things. Or perhaps to steer you back to the path you were truly meant for.